Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
