Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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