Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?