Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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