I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
