Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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