Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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