i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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