That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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