I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sorry about my life...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
