i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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