My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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