Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
