So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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