hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
