I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
