I think im going to throw up on grandma
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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