If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
