i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
