dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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