Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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