Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize