I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
