i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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