Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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