he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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