What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
