There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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