There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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