I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
