apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
only if we run a train.
done.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
