This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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