Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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