After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
