Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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