I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
