Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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