Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
