Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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