Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
one might say we're banned from that church
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
