i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just made my gag reflex go away.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
