On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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