I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
