if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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