I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
