I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
