Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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