i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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