i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
