You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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