Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
