no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
