Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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