I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
