I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
