I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
