I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
