sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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