i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
