Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
