Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
